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Life Path

Compassion, Dreams, Embodiment, Emotions, Gratitude, Healing, Inner Guidance, Life Coaching, Life Path, Love, Power Within, Relationship, Self-love, Transformation, Wisdom

the gospel of James Baldwin

I want to share a piece I was asked to write about my path to counseling and the work I am doing in my graduate program. My adviser nominated me to be featured in our department newsletter, which I found very touching and an honor. I wanted to use my story as a platform for something more meaningful than just simple autobiography. I hope the message resonates with some of you.

In the neighborhood of Saint-Germain-des-Pres, across from the oldest church in Paris, lively conversation spills out of the cafés whose tables clutter the sidewalks. I found myself there this past August, after a relationship breakup and an airline credit flew me over the Atlantic to wander over cobblestone, take in centuries of art and architecture, and soothe my heart with an abundance of chocolate croissants. One morning I decided to map out the addresses of old haunts and habitats of my first and most enduring love, James Baldwin. I made a path through Parisian districts that followed the traces of where he lived, loved, and worked. Baldwin, the iconic gay black writer with the wispy, melodic, and powerful voice, raised in a strict Pentecostal home in Harlem, lived as an expatriate in France for most of his adult years. On my walk I paused at and peered into the places where Baldwin wrote his novels, Go Tell it on the Mountain and Giovanni’s Room—bistros, like Café de Flor and Les Deux Magots. I stood at the doorstep of his first Paris apartment along the tiny passageway, Rue de Christine, my feet pressing into worn stone where Baldwin’s feet had landed decades before. This self-guided tour was a sort of a pilgrimage for me, one that began at age 17.

Twenty years ago my high school English teacher gave me a copy of Another Country. Her scrawl in the margins of the inside cover told me: “I know you will love the honesty and passion of Baldwin.” Ms. Hepburn was a small and fiery white woman with a zest for life and a love of justice. The summer after graduating high school, when she turned me onto Baldwin, Ms. Hepburn and I met a few times to talk books. She confided in me then, that she had long been living with a woman, her true love. In our small town in central New York, she hid the most sacred contours of her heart for fear of losing her job. I hid mine in a home whose message was: you are too much, too emotional, too sensitive.  Finally, in Baldwin’s fiction, I found in vivid and breathtaking detail, the intimate secrets and wild frontiers of our relational lives, our connections and ruptures—across race and sexualities—studied, exalted, and celebrated as the heart of what it is to be human.

I also found in Baldwin’s essays and fiction, a new world, or like his title says, another country. It was, to me, as KRS-One raps on the album, Edutainment: “The language of the people ready to hear the truth.” In schools and at home, through textbooks, teachers, family norms and cultural myths that are passed down, I had learned a story of our nation, one that was wholly different from the reality depicted in Baldwin’s books. His voice was my entry into a body of work by black artists, poets, authors, and musicians in whom I found refuge from the delusion of an American culture that acted as if white was the norm, the only subjective experience, one usually cut off from our hearts and bodies, and which flinched and recoiled at real conversations about racism, past and present.

As an undergrad, I studied the history and politics of race and completed an Urban Studies semester based in Chicago that included a 3 day intensive anti-racism training. I continued to devour Baldwin’s books. The Fire Next Time said it clearly: white people are “still trapped in a history which they do not understand; and until they understand it, they cannot be released from it.” Baldwin wrote of the past in an uncompromisingly candid yet compassionate tenor, understanding that no movement forward would be possible until we, as a society, acknowledged what we had allowed ourselves to become in upholding systems founded upon dehumanization—that we, in fact, were all dehumanized.

From the study of history in college and at the Masters level at the University of Illinois Chicago, to several years of clinic work at Planned Parenthood health centers in California, Chicago, and Chapel Hill, deep study of Buddhism and a side gig teaching moving meditation, and a foray into being a public librarian-activist and then case worker in social services, I finally made my way to NCSU’s Clinical Mental Health Counseling program in the Summer of 2016. Being a Masters student in the Counselor Education Department has nourished and affirmed everything that Ms. Hepburn and James Baldwin first awakened within me when I was 17.  It is powerful to be in a supportive community of peers and faculty, where my strengths are valued and I am encouraged to grow and flourish. I feel a sense of belonging in both my cohort and in the field of counseling, which at the intersection of my passion for personal transformation and healing; embodied, heart-centered, authentic connection; social change and multicultural community; embraces all of who I am and yet holds me accountable to who I want to become.

In Dr. Marc Grimmett, I have an advisor and mentor who models compassionate, whole-person care, and displays self-awareness and sensitivity to the contexts of power, access, and privilege in which we and clients are embedded. That he and Dr. Helen Lupton-Smith developed the Community Counseling, Education, and Research Clinic (CCERC) , as a model of affordable world-class health and wellness services to reach underserved populations was an enormous draw for me in selecting NCSU’s Master’s CMHC program. I am honored and excited to be joining their team for my practicum and internship starting in January 2017.

Perhaps most unexpected and rewarding to me, is that I have been able to bring my passion for history into my counseling education. For a class presentation in Dr. Grimmett’s Intro to Clinical Mental Health Counseling, I made a website exploring the connection of historical memory to healing and what I can do, as a white counselor, to take action in recovering the past and de-centering whiteness for integration of the collective psyche. The website, Counselors for Courage, Truth, and Justice (http://counselorsforcouragetruthjustice.weebly.com/), is an ongoing inquiry of how I, and other counselors, can help foster healing, justice, and community in a nation that has not adequately addressed its white supremacist foundations and our inheritance of pervasive racism. The project integrates liberation psychology, theories of counseling, research, and interviews, and offers suggestions for historically competent tools, counselor-facilitated community consciousness raising groups, and the creation of safe spaces for public remembering and grieving. Dr. Grimmett encouraged us to submit one of our class presentations as a conference proposal to the North Carolina Counseling Association (NCCA). My proposal, “Historical memory and healing the national psyche,” was accepted and I am looking forward to presenting this as a poster board session at the 2017 NCCA Conference in Durham this coming February.

NCSU’s Clinical Mental Health Counseling program and CCERC are exactly the settings I need to be in to become the kind of counselor I want to be. I’m eager to keep learning alongside and from fellow counseling students and professors and to find ways to build and broaden the multicultural community of care I experience here, out into the rest of the world. I see us, as NCSU counselors, carrying on James Baldwin’s s message of truth and love, for widespread healing and justice.

 

Compassion, Curiosity, Discernment, Emotions, Healing, Inner Guidance, Intention, Life Coaching, Life Path, Meditation, Path, Personal Growth, Self-love, Silence, Soul, Support, Transformation, Wisdom

An Inner Knowing

For many months in my previous partnership I struggled. Within me, when I got still and quiet, I knew that my soul had outgrown the relationship. Feeling strongly attached to this person and fearful of losing the comforts and safety of our connection, my heart wasn’t quite ready to let go. If I dropped into intuition there was a clear answer, an answer I avoided and pushed away. Instead, I kept going into my head to find and remind myself of the plentiful reasons to stay. He was kind, gentle, sweet, caring, affectionate, accepting, stable, steady, grounding, responsible, and a good cook (I miss his fish tacos and macrobiotic bowls!).

Even though on a soul level I knew I’d have to leave, my head sought out the insights of my therapist, my mom, and an elder with whom I had bonded. I sought counsel from self-help books and relationship experts. womanwater I took in any advice whether it was targeted to me or about relationships in general. In all of this I was looking for reasons to stay that would be strong enough to overcome the twisting and conflicted feeling inside that told me to move on.

I stayed with him for a year beyond what my inner guidance was telling me. I absolutely do not regret it. Following my intuition early on and ending the relationship when there was real, genuine care and comfort, may have led me to worry that I had not tried hard enough to make things work. The books, the conversations, the resources, and the counseling, all of it brought me to a place of acceptance. I had tried everything, given my all, and could leave the relationship knowing it was the right choice. And I was building a muscle. A muscle of intuitive trust, so next time there will be a recognition, –oh *that*, I know that feeling…that feeling is telling me what is true.

To the tenderhearted, lovelorn, and longing: there’s tons of advice out there, books on relationship rules, and gurus sharing wisdom on love, but it probably won’t do you a bit of good. People told me “stay!” because you can’t get all your needs met from one person. (I agree). People told me “leave!” because you are worthy of someone who really meets your nonnegotiable needs. (I agree). People told me that men aren’t that comfortable communicating about their feelings so I’m expecting too much. (Really disagree!) People told me to go, not to settle — there’s someone out there who wants to share their inner world with you. (I optimistically say, hell yes!) My point is: it didn’t really matter what people said. There were so many conflicting voices and I could find what I wanted to hear, but the only voice that really knew was inner guidance and I wasn’t ready to listen until I was ready to listen. Same with you.

Get still and silent, drop in, there is a knowing…oftentimes the head comes in and rationalizes, argues, and quiets that voice, but, really, truly, there is a knowing–of the next step, the deepest hunger within, your most authentic sunsetsit offering to the world in this moment. When we practice meditation and tune into ourselves, we can build more trust and attunement to inner guidance. Next time, it won’t take me so long to respond to the inner call.

Sending you love wherever you are in your journey. When you listen within and are open to where inner guidance wants to take you then you are in the flow. Yet even when you deny that voice you’re still on the path, and life will pull you into the wave of change even if you resist. Swim with the wave, breathe, love yourself all the way through.

Balance, Dreams, Emotions, Experimentation, Freedom, Life Coaching, Life Path, Love is Space, Movement, Open, Personal Growth, Support, Transformation, Wisdom

When the light leaves our path

A couple of weeks ago I had the chance to catch up with a close friend who moved away last year.  I was excited to fill her in on all of the newness in my life, especially graduate school and all that I am learning on my way to becoming a counselor.

And I was also eager to hear where she was at, after completing an intensive training on her path as a healer. She shared some of the struggle that is common after going through a life-changing experience. In this case, when a craft or vocation that deeply resonates is shown to you, you can see yourself living this out, yet you are not entirely sure how to get from where you are to where you want to be. I went through this uncomfortable and disorienting phase after finishing a life coaching program that held me and guided me for nine months. When the 9 month gestation period came to a close, me and this tight-knit group of women who’d been meeting weekly, were set free. Suddenly in the absence of structure and with coaching certificate in hand I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. With the withdraw of community energy all supporting our learning and dreams, I felt some post-process blues, as I returned to my everyday life, wholly changed yet not able to see the change bear out. alone-971122_1280

It took almost as long to move through the phase of integration as it took to complete the training program itself, so I wanted to assure my friend that the period of seeming inaction and confusion after feeling inspired and motivated is normal, and may be necessary. In these periods of lull and let-down, we are still upgrading our psycho-spiritual processing system, and that can take time.
Giving ourselves a
healthy dose of spacious patience to move through change and integrate helps us to be more effective in our pursuits, and also allows us to model to others how to live during these difficult times of limbo.

Before I’d gotten to the point of clarity around wanting to coach and eventually counsel, when I was feeling completely lost as a librarian searching for my calling, that phase, also, was precious and valuable. I guide others through muck and distress. Having been deeply in it, myself, at times trusting that movement was happening when things felt stagnant, at times feeling excruciating pain of feeling lost and unsure of how to serve, and at times surrendering and calling out for help, all of it was part of the path.

I’d just had the realization the night before talking with this friend about those many years of feeling impatient and frustrated, when my soul and heart wanted to burst out of my skin because I knew my true calling was in there somewhere, wanting to be born, but I did not know how to birth it: I was exactly where I needed to be at the time. The pain I had felt led me to deep listening and tuning into inner awareness, tweaking my lifestyle in small and big ways, finding mentors and guides, and getting into dance to move through all of it and heal in community.surrender

Because of all of this I am able to bring a full, dynamic self to the craft of counseling, carrying many healing practices and approaches with me because I relied on them to get me here. I know that I can give my energy and effort towards excellence in my counseling program without compromising the rest of my life. I can live in harmony, so that grad school and my career path are just another expression of who I am, embodied and in my heart. If I had discovered counseling as my path 10 years ago, I would be bringing a lot less life experience, fewer tools and resources, and less perspective on suffering and the wisdom of all emotions. I would be studying and writing papers without feeling the fluidity in my body, without dance and meditation breaks, without a sense of my own wholeness.

What bell hooks says of “engaged pedagogy” applies as much to counselors, coaches, healers, or creatives as it does to teachers in the classroom. If I may adapt her proclamation from Teaching to Transgress to the practice of transgressive therapy: “Counselors must be actively committed to a process of self-actualization that promotes their own well-being if they are to counsel in a manner that empowers clients.” That process is not always easy, it happens in the dark, and at times, on a road no one else has traveled before. We walk, we crawl, we curl up and take a nap, and with courage, we keep moving.

I envision with and for my clients a pervasive sense of well-being. Who they are when living a heartful and soulful life comes through in all that they do. But I also know that along the way to purposeful and centered we can feel stuck, at a loss, and alone.  Coaching can provide the support and teach tools of self-compassion, to move into the radical trust that you are on the heart-soul path even when it feels scary or stagnant. With courage, lionhearts!

 

Adventure, Autumn, Celebration, Compassion, Dreams, Emotions, Experimentation, Freedom, grounding, Healing, Intention, Life Coaching, Life Path, Mindfulness, Open, Personal Growth, Self-love, Soul, Suffering, Support, Wisdom

Letting go, creating change, a practice for magicians and wizards of self-love

A beautiful, sunny day that began with a walk with a friend and dogs, with weekend weather that’s allowed the delicious coziness of light sweaters and leggings.  An exciting new beginning as I’m catapulted into my life as a full-time graduate student, in a field fully aligned with my mind and heart, where I’m getting daily affirmation that I am on the right path. Also, close enough to my return from France that I still can recall how freeing the experience of traveling alone feels in my body, and can easily connect to the joy of walking miles a day on cobblestone to be wowed by gardens, castles, vineyards, ornate bridges, rose windows, public transit, and pain au chocolat.  These are days to cherish and savor.

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I turned 37 in July and when I left 36, I entered into possibility and adventure. I started inhabiting myself more completely, without the inner struggle and conflict that marked past years of grappling with career and relationship confusion, sapping my energy and attention (more on that, soon). I feel fully engaged and in my life, and I feel satisfied.

Except for when I don’t. There are times I forget and feel impatient about where I am on the journey. Instead of staying open to possibility and adventure, I close down around my desires and feel like I can’t be me until things or situations arrive or can’t be truly happy until things are arranged to my liking.

In some ways ending a 2 year relationship and starting out a Masters program can seem like certainties, specific finalities or futures planned out. Yet being single and in “beginner’s mind” as I embark on the path to becoming a counselor, so much is unknown and undefined. This is a vulnerable place to be, but truly, we all never know what will happen, even if things seem solid, small changes sometimes have a big impact, and small changes can happen at a moment’s notice.

For me, these next couple years will be a process of getting to know my philosophical orientation and professional identity as a counselor, getting to know people and clarifying my relationship goals and what I want to give and receive in my romantic life. There are a billion things I want for my life at 37 and beyond, some of which I am pursuing by going back to school for counseling, taking on new coaching clients, meeting people online and dating, dancing at home and in community, and forging friendships as I release old connections that I’ve outgrown. The constant practice, for me, is to not close up around my wants and get attached to outcome, to not craft an identity that I then get stuck in and am unable to flex and grow from, and to not feel discouraged when what I believe I want is not already here.

So, here I share a practice that I do to build my awareness around where I am attached and where I summon all the power of life and love within and without to break these fear-based patterns.

I meditate in stillness and quiet for 10-25 minutes before moving into this practice. Establishing the connection of meditation helps me listen more deeply to what is true under the surface grasping and whining. Then I go inward and check out what I am holding onto, what thoughts are driving my emotions and behaviors, what stories I’m telling myself, then I name all of it as I pull in a “clearing statement” from Access Consciousness, to help me cut through it with sharp awareness, wisdom, and compassion.  The clearing statement is like the abracadabra of a magical spell…”I  create as I speak,” or “May it be so,” invoking the power of language and intention to create change.

abra

Even in times of joy–sometimes especially, as we may be clinging on to things as they are, worried about losing what is going well–we can experience anxiety and insecurity. As this very amazing moment in my life opens me up to learning new things and loving new people, I find a lot of fear in and around my chest, a tightening jaw, flurried belly flops, repetitive thoughts pulling me into a spiral of anxiety, and a tenderness about emotional, intellectual, and spiritual risks that I am taking.

The process of tuning into all of this, speaking it, and clearing it out went like this the other day (note–these words came out spontaneously and were captured on audio so I could share with you–it is always unknown, unplanned, and uttered from the wisdom of the moment):

ALL THE WAYS I let fear pull me around, hook me in. All the ways I lose trust. All the ways I abandon myself and focus on someone else making me whole. All the ways I grab and cling and want to control life or know the future and ensure an outcome. All the ways I contract and get tight and small around my desires. Destroy and uncreate all of that. “Right and Wrong, Good and Bad, POD, POC, All 9, Shorts, Boys and Beyonds.”

ALL THE WAYS that I leave myself, my truth, my wholeness and grasp at something outside. All the ways I think someone can fulfill me, all the ways I feel afraid of rejection, abandonment, of not being lovable. Destroy and uncreate all of that. “Right and Wrong, Good and Bad, POD, POC, All 9, Shorts, Boys and Beyonds.”

ALL THE WAYS I forget that I’m already whole and already loved, all the ways I lose touch with my own heart and go into lack…all the ways I dwell in sadness and fear, that I feel sorry for myself. All the ways that I push away my experience and reject my emotions. Destroy and uncreate all of that. Right and Wrong, Good and Bad, POD, POC, All 9, Shorts, Boys and Beyonds.”

ALL THE WAYS I get self-absorbed and make my pain the center of the world, all the ways I don’t show up for others and don’t reach out to connect, or make my sadness bigger than everything else on earth, including my own heart. Destroy and uncreate all of that. Right and Wrong, Good and Bad, POD, POC, All 9, Shorts, Boys and Beyonds.”

ALL THE WAYS I believe I’m smarter than everyone, the ways I judge and criticize, all the ways I want to be right, all the ways I am not open to learning and challenging my world view. And all the ways I make myself small, don’t use my voice, doubt my intelligence and contributions. Destroy and uncreate all of that. Right and Wrong, Good and Bad, POD, POC, All 9, Shorts, Boys and Beyonds.”

Having been said, make it so, now. Activate growth, change, and healing.

Clearly, I could (and did) go on…that was just a part of what felt up for me on 1 day. I share this to show you that we are in this human experience together–all the ways we undermine our own happiness by identifying it as outside of us or in the future, when some external goal is reached. All the ways we humans think we are missing something and fixate on lack. All the ways we forget who we are. These are so common! This practice can help us see these for what they are and to get underneath, in the wise mind that knows the wholeness we already are, in the tenderness of our oh so human vulnerability. Vulnerability is not about something being absent, but the presence and fullness of love, compassion, and open-heartedness.

Naming our habits can build awareness. We cultivate the counter-habit of catching ourselves in the act, not to chastise but to chuckle, and say…there’s that again, that energy of wanting to control, that tendency to place the responsibility of my fulfillment on someone/something else.

When we truly believe in change, we see it leaving our field, we feel our bodies lighten from the lost weight of worry and grasping. It will come back, and we will practice again.We stay in compassion for ourselves and our habits. And sometimes, we forget all this meditation and magic and have a good cry with a friend and a cathartic release of all our crap, and move deeper into love with ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Celebration, Emotions, Gratitude, grounding, Healing, Intention, Joy, Life Path, Love, Relationship

the quiet power of being truly you

I cried when I learned that my downstairs neighbor is moving out later this summer. Yes, I cry at puppy and panda videos, so maybe it seems like that isn’t saying much, but, when my landlady told me the news, I felt a strong wave of sadness and loss come over me that surprised even me.

My neighbor and I aren’t besties. Save for a couple tarot readings she gifted me, we’ve barely spent time together. I’ve watched her affectionate cat during her trips away, we’ve exchanged updates on barred owl sightings, I’ve drunk in boisterous laughter traveling upstairs from rooms below, and we’ve met on her stoop for a few 5 minute conversations in passing. All of this, and more–something intangible and sweet in how she makes this brick fourplex her home–has helped to make it feel like my home, as well, these past 2 years.maria1

This is just to say that we don’t know how our presence affects another. Even if we are not having much interaction, how we show up and who we are being in the world, can truly make someone else’s life better, or in this case, make a space feel comforting, warm, like hearth and home.

Don’t underestimate the power of being a caring, authentic, and passionate person in your daily life. You might never learn how your presence is influencing the world of people, creatures, and things around you, but trust that it does. Living a heartfelt & genuine life matters in more ways than you can know. Cherish those around you who uplift your day to day. And be generous by living your best and most true to you, as others will benefit from your life-affirming energy and love.

Celebration, Discernment, Dreams, grounding, Journal, Life Coaching, Life Path, Love, Open, Personal Growth, Power Within, Relationship, Soul, Spirituality, Support, Uncategorized, Wisdom

Spiritual Dream Team

This week I invited the women who participate in my Whole Healthy Living online support group to harness the power and energy of the most amazing women they know, as a collective of psychic support for body, mind, soul.

We’ve been focusing on journaling for the past few weeks and I wanted to share an exercise I’ve found helpful that my therapist shared with me. This is imagining and connecting to a few people who have your back and bringing them into your life, energetically, when you need! To turn this into a deeper journal practice, I added some more content. Check it out!

Who are the women you would pick to be on your spiritual dream team?

mystical-woman-huebner-7

A brain trust is a group of advisers and experts. Say you could have a brain, heart, and soul trust for life…who would you choose to be there for you? Who do you want with you as you move through life’s celebrations and challenges…and why are they there?

They may be women whose wisdom or insight supports you or challenges you, women who inspire you for their enthusiasm or energy, women who live boldly, embodied…who have been loyal friends. Whatever the reason, make a list of 12-20 women who you choose to be on your dream team. They may be real or fictional, living or passed on. These are the women you want with you, by your side, energetically. Women you can call upon in need for their clarity, strength, softness, kindness, etc. You decide.

Now next to their names, list the 3-5 traits they have that made you put the on your team.

So your page should have 2 columns

Name                                                                  |                      Why I want them on my team

1.
2.
3. and so on…

When you’ve finished writing down the qualities of your dream team members, see if you notice the themes that make up your community. What does it take for someone to be worthy of your appreciation, respect, or admiration?

You can take it further by reflecting on some examples when you showed up with these same traits and realize how, for those same reasons, you might be on someone else’s dream team. Write some thoughts about how you’ve had some of those qualities you most admire. Celebrate you and your community.

Celebration, grounding, Intention, Life Coaching, Life Path, Love, Meditation, Silence, Soul, Transformation, Whole Body, Winter

welcoming winter soulstice

Today, the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, the darkest can be an invitation into our own dark corners and hidden places. We can shine the light by asking ourselves questions we may have been too busy to consider while caught up in the continuously busy pace of our lives. We can honor the gradual return of the light that begins tomorrow and we can celebrate the gifts and wisdom of what lives in the dark.winter-mood-113325_1920

Here are some ideas for a soul-filled solstice ritual:

Set up a quiet sacred space where you have privacy and carve out time for reflection. Find a cushion or blanket to sit on, a timer, and paper/notebook and pen.

Bring in energies that ground you into your space such as healing stones, crystals, plants, found objects from the earth.

Light some candles. Turn out electric lights. Thank the darkness.

Ask for support, wisdom, and guidance from your highest self, your ancestors, the life and spirit around you.

Sit in meditation for 5-15 minutes, comfortable and relaxed yet awake and engaged.

femJournal on the following questions:

  • Think back to a year ago, in winter, what space were your heart, body, and head in?
  • What were some memorable experiences in the past year and how did they affect your heart, body, head?
  • What space is your head, body, heart in now?
  • What does your head, body, and heart need from you as you move from dark into the light?
  • Pick 3 people–alive or passed–who can support you in life or in spirit, as you move forward. See them with you. Write down what they say to you as you call on them for guidance.

Create an intention moving forward and blow out the candles as you hold this promise to yourself in your heart and mind.

In the coming days, review your intention and meditate daily to bring more power to this solstice ceremony.

Celebration, Gratitude, Joy, Life Coaching, Life Path, Personal Growth, Self-love

Your Year of Being Awesomely You

Yeah, yeah…we might could stand to exercise more, eat less sugar, and live more in the present. I am all for setting intentions and creating more time to honor our soul’s priorities. This is why I am gathering a group of brilliant women-identified women to come together and support one another around body, mind, spirit wellness. We start with the new year–there will be daily offerings and encouragement on your journey–whatever your goals may be! You can join us by sending your email address to me. Message me at lionessasoleil at gmail dot com. I will send an invite when our Google + group opens at the end of December.

That being said, I am officially encouraging you to stop with the list making and resolutions for now. Take some time and look back–not on what needs to change for the new year, but what went well and how much you rocked in 2o15. And, I have some fun exercises to get you started. My gift to you.

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Let me know how it goes! Send a snap shot of your completed certificate and I’ll celebrate with you!

Awareness of Sensation, Balance, Freedom, Life Coaching, Life Path, Open, Personal Growth, Self-love, Silence, Soul, Transformation

My body is here…

feet on earth.

My breath is still here, however shaky or uneven.

I’ve surprised myself by not getting totally freaked out at having no steady work or predictable paycheck. I’ve stayed calm when it comes to my financial future and getting the rent and bills paid.

That doesn’t mean I’ve stayed calm and serene this past month–and it’s been exactly one month since my last day of 8-5.

At first, I had things to focus on: GRE studying, applications for grad school, a busy holiday week taking care of people’s pets, including a chihuahua who bit me and a mutt who is scared of everyone and pooped in her crate the first time I went to walk her.

But as life quieted, pups calmed down, and to do lists were checked off, emptiness entered. And so did doubt. And a billion questions I hadn’t had the time or space to sit with in the past 6 years of full-time employment and busyness.

Anxiety and panic rushed in, fluttered around my chest, tightened my body, twisted my insides. What am I doing?spinnedbloom

I am still spinning. I have to remind myself. My feet remind me; my breath reminds me: I am here. I am okay. I feel a call to grow, to move, to shake up the way I’ve been living–and more pressing–the ways I’ve avoided living. The ways I’ve stayed comfortable or asleep.

What is stirring inside and coming through me still feels far away, amorphous, unknown. I am trusting that everyday, the small choices I make from inner guidance and soul growth, will reveal to me where I am next needed, and what I will be doing.

I wrote in a letter to a friend today: “I’ve made it a problem on some days, but today I am okay not knowing what is happening or where I will land when the spinning stops.”

What grounds me: as mentioned, stopping to notice my breath lifting my chest and exhaling through pores. Pressing and feeling my feet on the earth. Also, being with my dog and getting swept up in the transcendent and sensual power of music.

It’s normal to grasp for clarity and answers, to want to tell a story about our growth or learning…but there is also room for “I don’t know” and “I have no idea!” There is a time for trusting that soul is guiding you where you need to be. When there are no words for your experience nor a tidy narrative for where you’ve been and where you are going, find what works moment to moment.

I say this prayer to myself. Let me open to life, to the mystery of it. Instead of hiding and retreating in fear, or panicking and flailing in reach of something solid, may I face the risks of being 1000% in my life. May I feel the freedom and possibility of creation that follows the emptiness and endings and may I trust that I will arrive when my soul is ready.

May you trust your soul growth, as well. May you allow it to lead you into new and sometimes uncomfortable places. Have the courage to be true to yourself.

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Adventure, Compassion, Curiosity, Discernment, Failure, Intention, Life Coaching, Life Path, Mindfulness, Open, Personal Growth, Radical Acceptance, Self-love, Transformation, Whole Body, Wisdom

The Big Fat Happy Yes of No

Today I ask: when we have a relationship, job, or lifestyle that doesn’t feel like a fit–can we view these as successful and proud achievements that are part of our path? Can we look at our seeming missteps with gratitude for helping to point us in the direction of truer callings and better matches?

I clocked out of work for the last time yesterday filled with elation, excitement, and pride.

1-Death_to_stock_photography_Vibrant (7 of 10)

While in my 3 years at social services, I may have struggled, cried, felt powerless, and discovered that it was not the job for me, I wholeheartedly consider my time there a success. Successful because I worked hard to learn policy, programs, and software in order to fulfill my responsibilities. And successful because I used my strengths of compassion, listening, and presence to serve and advocate for some of the highest needs people in my community. But more importantly, I consider it a success that I learned this job was not the right fit for me. It is a success that I quit. It is a success because I love myself and my life enough to move on and claim my true path.

We can tend to look at our past relationships and jobs that didn’t work out as failures or mistakes. Yet more often than not, these are the choices we needed to make with the information we had at the time, with the sense of self and confidence we had at the time, to gain the clarity and poise we need to get even closer to living out what we most desire. They were the best choice we could have made knowing what we knew then. The information we gain from those experiences, then allows us to make even more attuned and informed choices moving forward.

If we are open and aware, they help us to know ourselves better, and to invite us out to new edges of growth and emotional and spiritual risk.

When we recognize that something isn’t working, we are not just saying “No” to that relationship or job, we are saying a big fat happy “YES” to ourselves. The secret is:  keep saying “Yes.”  Keep listening to that stirring of inner passion and heart whisper that told you this isn’t quite what you need, and refine, re-calibrate and trust that, in time, the Nos will move you towards your bigger, fatter, happier YESes.

Often, when we follow our inner impulse and act with courage in honor of what we need, we quickly then backpedal into fear or succumb to mainstream narratives about what is normal or what we “should” be doing. I, for instance, “should” have waited to leave my job until I had another one lined up, or I “should” worry about how I will pay my bills.

I believe that if we make choices from love and trust rather than what society tells us we should do, we are much more likely to land back in our inner wisdom and feel peace with each decision, instead of finding ourselves in another job that pays the bills, but does not feed our souls, or in a relationship that is comforting, but not fulfilling.

So, if you consider the last relationship that didn’t meet your needs, the last job that caused you stress or boredom, can you see the success in your awareness that it wasn’t what you wanted? Can you feel proud for choosing to leave to honor your deeper desires and potential? Can you see how this was an essential experience along the way to where you are going, that showed you the next step to take? Can you keep listening, with courage, to the Nos, even as it challenges convention and norms and ideas about what you “should” do?seascape

It isn’t always the right time for us to leave, of course, and we can also feel proud if we stay and find ways to reduce stress, or stimulate and challenge ourselves, or take responsibility for our own joy. That was my path for many years in the “wrong” jobs. But then there was a “No” inside me whose voice grew louder and more insistent, which I could no longer placate with creative work arounds and spiritual strategies of radical acceptance.

I took the risk and now will own it instead of freaking out (okay, maybe I will freak out a bit). I keep coming back to my body’s cues, my heart’s longings, and am making choices that feel fruitful–emotionally, spiritually, and financially, while also allowing for vulnerability of uncertainty, because the fulfillment of my dreams and expression of strengths make it worth it.

Now is the time to embrace the Yes of adventure, unknown, radical trust in my deeper vocation and lifework. And to feel proud of my so-called failures and Nos for getting me there.