Monthly Archives

April 2016

Awareness of Sensation, Balance, Compassion, Embodiment, Emotions, grounding, Healing, Life Coaching, Love is Space, Mindfulness, Self-love, Suffering, Whole Body

The 5 S’s of handling distress

Sometimes a big emotion rolls in and seems to take over without warning.  We may be flooded with sadness, possessed by anger or jealousy, or perhaps we get caught in an argument or crisis and our whole system seems to get overloaded and overwhelmed in an instant. When we get triggered, we can help to re-set our nervous systems and calm our body, heart, and mind. Move through these 5 steps when you catch yourself stressed out or upset. If you’re interacting with others or in a public situation, simply excuse yourself by saying you need to go to the restroom or outside for a moment…no need to give a “why.”

STOP

press pause on the moment. don’t react. just take a deep, spacious breath in…and out.

stop

SOFTEN

notice your body. is there tension? loosen, let go, and soften your whole body. your jaw–relax it. your shoulders–lower them. with your strong emotions, you may only be able to do this a teeny tiny bit. that’s great…just a notch. turn down the volume of the situation by signalling to the body that it can soften a little smidgen. feel into the softness as much as you are able.

SCAN

close your eyes (if you’re able) and go into your body with your awareness. turn within. see inside your heart, your belly, legs, feet, arms and hands, throat and neck, head. draw your attention on what is happening inside. check out the energy in your chest area, behind your eyes, in your gut, feel within your muscles and bones…tune in and scan to see what it feels like inside you. breathe here for a few minutes.

SENSE

turning from the internal to the external: are you hot? cold? how do your clothes feel on your skin? how does the air touching your skin feel? what sounds do you hear? what do you see all around you–looking up, down, and side to side? observe as if you were a scientist just exploring and doing an inventory of what the 5 senses are picking up.

SOOTHE

take 3 full belly breaths in and out. find some way to soothe yourself. a cup of tea? a walk in nature? a piece of music? a healing mantra? petting a dog? choose something that soothes and restores.

~practice, rinse, repeat.~

Boundaries, Compassion, Curiosity, Emotions, Life Coaching, Love, Nonviolent Communication, Relationship

There is a field

In my relationships, I strive for honesty and openness. I want friends and loved ones to call me out if I do or say something that is hurtful, unfair, selfish, or inconsiderate. For a healthy, adult relationship, moving towards growth, there has to be room for us to tell one another how we feel and make a request for acknowledgement, apology, and change. What there is no room for, though, is SHAME.

shame

A lot of communication in our culture is oriented around judgment and blame, rather than connection and compassion. When we get on our high horse and give someone a piece of our mind, we may get a temporary ego boost and adrenaline rush of righteousness. However, when we do this, our relationships suffer, chipping away at trust and emotional safety. And, really, are we in integrity and practicing self-respect when we express ourselves in this way? Check it out for yourself–only you can know if this behavior is in step with who you want to be.

Honest sharing with an open heart deepens intimacy and friendship. If, on the other hand,  we make ourselves feel better by proving a point and haranguing someone, then we may jeopardize the relationship and push people who care about us away.

When people lash out, the anger is often covering up some fear or anxiety–of being alone, abandoned, smothered, maybe, even, of their own mortality. But instead of getting in touch with that feeling of fear and tapping into a deeper need, many blame the uncomfortable emotions on someone else. They miss out on an opportunity to be vulnerable, where someone can meet them in their tenderness with love and compassion. We can still feel compassion for that person who is feeling those difficult and scary emotions, but we need not condone or tolerate inappropriate shame and rage attacks.

Ways people use shame to stay in control and avoid vulnerability:

  1. They make you responsible for their feelings –You cannot make someone feel an emotion. While someone may feel hurt because of something we do, what they feel is their reaction and belongs to them. It is 100% valid for them to feel what they are feeling, but that doesn’t make it your fault. There is a difference between fault and responsibility–you can take responsibility for your actions and regret how they impacted someone, without being to blame for how they feel.
  2. They make it about you being wrong instead of focusing on how they feel. Rumi offered: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.” This field is where healthy communication happens. Even something that seems “wrong” is motivated by sincere human needs–when we work to understand what needs drove someone to make certain choices, we can feel closer to each other. When we understand what feelings, desires, hopes, anxieties, fears were behind the action and reaction, this makes for authentic connection. This changes the conversation from “You shouldn’t have done that,” to “Tell me, why did you do that?”
  3. They do not accept your heartfelt apology –Say you own up to what you did and accept responsibility.  You might say, “I can see how that hurt you and I really wish I had not said/done that.” If the person moves right past your apology and continues on the offensive, they are not sincere in wanting to heal the relationship. When we refuse to drop into the vulnerable place where we must meet to reach an understanding, we are less interested in building intimacy, and more interested in bolstering ourselves and asserting control.
  4. They call into question your character and worth –Again, rather than focusing on how they are feeling and what needs want to be met, they suggest that what you said or did “means something” about who you are, as a person. They hint that your actions show that you have a fundamental flaw. You are not flawed. At one time or another, we all say and do things–intentionally or not–that elicit difficult emotions in others. This does not make you bad, a failure, worthless, a fuck-up, stupid, or call into doubt your kindness, overall.
  5. They make personal attacks, roll their eyes, call you names, use sarcasm, express disgust or contempt –Who wants to spend time with someone who goes here? Beyond high school, we should be grown up enough to communicate without resorting to tactics to exert control or get our way.

If someone shames you, have compassion for what they are feeling under their criticism and anger, but first have compassion for yourself. Set boundaries! Lovingly disengage and remove yourself from the situation until the person is willing to communicate with openness and respect.

And anytime you want to communicate a grievance to someone, remember to approach with more curiosity and less judgment.

Balance, Celebration, Embodiment, Experimentation, Freedom, Intention, Joy, Life Coaching, Movement, Open, Play, Whole Body

Taking a page from a 12 year old’s playbook

I’ve been spending lots of time with a young girl.

balloons-1081801_960_720

She is bursting with fun, creative energy. She shrieks and laughs and announces her visions out loud. She has an endless stream of ideas for things to make and do, and a curiosity and bubbly excitement over an array of interests. Her favorites: imagining her dolls’ lives and relationships and designing new props for them, watching and bopping along to music videos, discussing characters from movies she loves, taking interest in her family history, playing board games, drawing and coloring, and jumping rope.

On top of all of the wonderment and play, girl’s got homework, too, though–reading, writing, and arithmetic. While she may not be as in love with these, she always gets ’em done…and without complaint. I’ve noticed a couple ways that she approaches things she has to do and balances them with what she wants to do. While our adult schedules may not allow for as much leisure time, I think we can still adopt some of her strategies for success!

 

 

  •  Treat the “work” a bit more like play. How? Can you turn a chore into something a little more fun, light, and engaging? This could be something simple like making housework and cleaning into a game with uplifting music and dancing around with a vacuum, rag, or broom. Or, paying bills could be something you can do with a timer on to see how quickly you can get ‘er done. Dress up in a zany outfit while writing a report or paper and use colorful markers for taking notes at work. Get creative and silly when there’s not too much at stake.
  • Break your activities up into small manageable chunks, rewarding the to-dos with little prizes of want-to-dos. You could set a timer and make an agreement with yourself to work on a less fun task for, say,  20 minutes, after which you can celebrate by eating a square of chocolate, dancing to your favorite song of the moment, looking at Pinterest for 5 minutes, etc. Mix the day up into work and play and reward yourself when you meet your goals!
  • Let’s get physical! I love that this girl throws in even 2 minutes of jump rope between some of her other activities, because this feels like a do-able way to sneak in movement and exercise without having to make a big deal of it. When getting up to grab something from the printer or another room, when transitioning between different work tasks, when returning from a restroom break, take a minute or two to walk fast, jog, stretch, shake out your arms, hands, legs, feet, and do some neck rolls. It’s easy to get trapped up in the small space that your brain occupies, forgetting about the wild animal body that wants your attention, from the neck down. Remember to check in with the senses and skin and muscle and lungs that moves and breathes you all day.

Brainstorm with me! What are some fun and accessible activities you can reward yourself with during a long day of commitments and errands? What is something that will make you smile, stimulate you, bring you pleasure or relief, that can be done in the moment? Comment below with a list of some of your ideas!